The Lure
Back To Nam - 2001
Gary L. Baxman, Medic
Delta Recon, 2/12 Cavalry
Vietnam 1965-66
This is my second time back to Nam. The first return was in April 1994. After the first I couldn’t wait to return, in fact I thought of living there part of the year. So many ask me why does Vietnam lure me back? Why do you wish to return to a place with so many sad memories? For me this time is a challenge mentally and physically. I’m unhappy and my health is not what it should be. Last time in “94” I felt the adrenalin flowing everyday I was there. I felt young once again and I felt I was between Heaven and Earth. This would last with me for a couple years. I wanted to smell Nam again, to feel the Monsoons run off my body, visit the Yards (Montagnard) for one last time and say hello to those who died and those who were left behind by the trusted ones. It makes me feel good to have the children around me. They have so much love and virgin innocence in them. They do not know of the war. I miss those who I served with and when I’m in Nam I believe I can feel them and hear them once again. I don’t remember all their names and at times I wish I had stayed behind with the dead. I feel much guilt when I see others who have nothing compared to myself but I appreciate life much more after I return from my visit. The poor and the sick children are part of my heart.
The first time back in “94” we had two groups of fifteen. The one group I went with were 1st Cav Vets and we returned to every battle site I experienced in 1965-66. This group I’m with this time is mostly from the 4th and 25th Infantry. I guess you could say I’m crashing their party. I want to see what type of terrain and conditions they endured during their Tour of Duty. Its Nov. 9th and I’m in the L.A. airport and what a mess it is, due to 9-11. After getting thru security I still have four hours to kill and there’s no bar open and I’m a very nervous person but being once in a Recon Platoon I came prepared. A little Jack Daniels comes in handy. I first meet Lynn, Chris and Jose who are from Colorado Springs & Pueblo, Colorado. Lynn works for the VA and she is Chris and Jose’s therapist. She’s never been to Nam but she’ll cry with us as we approach Saigon. You see she is one of us in her heart and ours. Some will be on this tour for the first week only and some of us both tours. Our guide meets us in LA and will sit up in the business section and will visit us grunts only once on this thirteen-hour trip to Taipei. What can I say; some officers never change. We will have to endure the Asian style food, which is served because 95% of the passengers are Asians and they cater to them. We could have had American food served to us if our guide would have told us to make arrangements with the airline before we left.
We pick up the rest of the tour members in Taipei. Our guide has to sit with us grunts on the flight to Saigon. It’s a three-hour flight and there’s very little talk, as we all know what’s on our mine. For me I’m thinking of the Highlands and of those members of my Platoon who lost their lives. Everyone has tears although some don’t. Only they can explain if they can. When I left Vietnam in Dec. of 1966 I would not cry till I came back to Nam in 1994.
I’m not looking forward to getting thru Tan Son Nhut airport. In “94” it took us over two hours to get thru Security and it was 100 degrees inside. April is the hottest month in South Vietnam. November is one of the coolest. Well guess what? They have a new computerized airport with air conditioning. It’s a non-smoking airport but they do have an enclosed smoking section, which looked something like a Tiger Cage. They still have that old saying “We can keep you forever”. It takes us about thirty minutes to process thru and this time we did not have to bribe the guard’s. We meet Mr. Lee our “In Country” director and this guy is enjoyable and knowledgeable. We get on our bus and head thru Saigon and nobody calls it “Ho Chi Minh City” except for those in Hanoi. Its cloudy and cool as typhoon “Ling Ling” is approaching.
As we drive thru Saigon I can’t believe the changes since “94“. There are skyscrapers going up everywhere. The old American Embassy is gone. The War Crimes museum is remodeled and toned down and now the Saigon Prison that is next door is partially open for viewing. The Tiger Cages and Guillotine which were used during the War (Yes it was a Fucking War not a Conflict) to torture the VC and the NVA Soldiers are there for viewing. Vincent Price would love this place. That’s a ha ha. I could feel the Death and Pain in this place. We go by the Caravelle Hotel which I stayed in “94” for a mere $38 and they have now added 100 rooms to it and the price starts at $200. The Opera house across from it has been remolded and The Continental Hotel looks like new. We’ll stay at the Grand Hotel and I do recommend this place. A Bar overlooking the swimming pool; that works for me.
I was supposed to have a single room to myself but somehow Butch didn’t understand this so I would bunk with Robert Hemphill. Bob likes to talk about the war and visit old war sites. He’s the author of the book “Platoon” and was Oliver Stones Company Commander during the war. He has nothing good to say about the movie. He knows the war history very well. We would visit the sites where the battle took place. You must understand to get to most of these battle sites it takes many hours over rough roads and when you do get there the terrain has changed and only you can feel what others cannot feel. For other’s it was a long fucking ride to nowhere. Just ask Lynn, she probably has nightmares and needs therapy these days. You’ll see a mountain you recognize or if your lucky a building still standing full of bullet holes or if your real lucky; one of the survivors of that village or that area of battle to talk with. We have a couple black dudes from Philly (That’s Philadelphia for you other dudes). Ron (25th) brought along his brother Norman who will be dam glad to get back to the “World”. Sound familiar? Mike (25th) brought his daughter Raegan who is an RN and who would be sick for the whole week. She could not eat the Vietnamese food and of course our guide Butch was not about to tell them where there was an American restaurant. He believes it’s an embarrassment not to eat Vietnamese food. Most of it was good but enough is enough. Everybody is not the same and all tour directors should understand this.
We have James who will love every minute of this trip and he will be lured back again for sure. Karl (25th) will hang with the war storytellers. As you know there are some who never stops talking about it and those like myself who does not want to talk about it. I cannot remember anything good about the war except for the men I served with. I have never experienced the closeness that we had in Nam. We were men of no colors while in battle. Max is from Illinois and is a shopper and he would fall in love with the “Black Horse Saloon” which I found in Saigon. American Jazz and steaks. This place is tops. When it came to shopping nobody could compare with Lynn. The airplane back could barely get off the ground and when she got back to Taipei she shopped more. All the vendors, hustlers, shop keepers which were there in “94” were all gone. As I write this tears comes to my eyes just thinking of what awaits us in the highlands the following week.
In the first week besides the tours of Saigon we would venture to the Cu Chi Tunnels. They’ve planted trees and widened the tunnels for us wide ass Americans. To my surprise they were interesting although as we walked thru the forest they sat off rounds and each time Chris and I would drop to the ground. Chris to my surprise goes thru the tunnels and he encounters a bat and Lynn has to go back and give him a little therapy. That bat probably needed a little therapy itself. Raegan is having fun and her Dad would buy fifteen rounds of AK47 ammo for her to fire at the range there. Each round costs a dollar and they have different type of weapons to choose from. At one point she turns with the AK47 pointing it at her Dad. She was corrected by Dad real fast. I think she was trying to tell him “Thirty rounds would have been better”. After she fired the fifteen rounds I suggest to her since she now has Tunnel and AK47 training she give thought to join the Vietnamese Army. I hear the food is great. That was when she asked her Dad for just one more round.
We venture to Tay Ninh Providence and it is beautiful. We drive thru the Ben Cui and Cau Khoi Rubber Plantations. This is a must stop to watch how this is processed and the kids are fun to take pictures of. What were you women doing behind those trees? Some of these kids have never seen an American woman let alone a piece of American candy. During the trip where ever we stop the children would mob the women when giving out candy. A couple times it got out of hand and that’s when Max and Jose would jump in and take charge. Later we take a ride to Black Lady Mountain (Nui Ba Den) and a Gondola to the top of the mountain where there are temples. Going up I thought “Am I glad I never had to hump up this miserable mountain”. It’s quite a view from up there and there are a couple temples that were built in the 50’s and you can see the battle scars. By the time we get down Jose who is a ladies man has the locals gathered around and in laughs. He also has a young girl (Not a Child) in his lap and she does not have black beetle teeth like her mama. Wherever Jose would be on this trip he would be surrounded by children and mostly young girls. Rumor has it he took 3,000 pictures and you know of what. On the way back we stop at the Tay Ninh market and what a sty this was. The smell is unbearable. I wonder how much kickback Butch got for bringing us to this dam place.
On the way back it’s late and Saigon is a sea of pedestrians, cars, trucks, bikes, motorbikes and even horse and/or ox pulled carts. Saigon has about six million registered citizens and another two or three million who are not. This is a “Sea of Insanity”. This is the mother of all rush hours in the world without road rage. It takes us twenty minutes to go one block. As we sit in the bus Chris and I kill a pint of brandy that was in my fanny pack and we sit back and watch this ritual happening before our eyes. This might be a scene of America in the year 2525.
Next day we take a Hydrofoil down the Saigon River to Vung Tau. It’s mostly a seaside resort for the ones who have and enjoy a week from those who do not have. The “Have Nots” consists of 99% of the country and I prefer them to “The Haves”. Coming back we take our bus back and along the way you see many new homes being built or already built. They have the largest supermarket in all of Vietnam and freeways with tollbooths. To me this country reminds me of Singapore about twenty years ago. Lots of American money here. We drive by Long Binh on the way back and the guide asks if we would like to visit a couple battle sites and everyone except a few yells “FUCK NO”. I think Lynn wanted to stop but you know her “Its All About Her.” Bob Hemphill had to tell her to sit down and behave.
We now have our first week in and bid farewell to those who have finished their tour of duty. I feel like its December 66 again. I wish everyone could have stayed on for the conclusion of the trip. Robert, Karl, Ron, Norman, Mike and Raegan I wish you a good life. Some left, some stayed and others arrived. Many never to be seen or heard from again. How sad. 1965-66 all over again.
I’m now bunking with a full-blooded American Ute Indian from Colorado Springs. What the Hell is this? A reunion for Colorado Springs? His name is Austin Box and he is quite and very spiritual. I will learn a lot about the “Mountain Warriors” and “The Concept of the Medicine Wheel”. I would feel good around this man he understood me and my feelings of Vietnam. I skipped most of the dinners with the group as I thought I did not belong. Not that I was better than them just the opposite. I’m a very nervous person, which means I’m much of a loner, few friends, suffer from heavy depression, uneducated, and can go off like a time bomb at times. I use alcohol and prescription drugs as my crutch. I wish I was like them but I’m not and must live with the fact I’m not! I can’t sleep tonight thinking about seeing the friends I had made in “94”in the highlands. I brought gifts that the Yards could use and my little family in Pleiku.
We have a couple Barton (4th) and Evelyn who will be celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary up in the Highlands. I would say very few words to them but I admire them very much. Another couple Shirley and Wilson (4th) is along and they are two happy people in love. They express it very well. Steven (4th) has brought along his teenage daughter Stephanie to experience his trip back to the Nam. I envy him! We board a Vietnam plane to head for Pleiku. I’m perspiring heavily and crying and trying not to show my emotions to the others.
As we descend I look out the window and the sea of red dirt is as far as I can see. But there’s something missing! The Yard (Montagnard) Villages are all gone and the Forests are gone. As I debark I cannot smell that Vietnam smell and my adrenaline is not pumping. I’m feeling empty and lonely inside of myself. I had read before I left that 10,000 VN Troops were sent up to the Highlands to squash the protests of the Yards and they had been committing genocide on them. I didn’t want to believe it. These are the people we left behind to face the atrocities they would endure. No these are not Hmongs. The CIA made sure they brought out 40,000 of their Lao Hmongs. Too bad the CIA couldn’t have done a better job bringing our POWs out of Laos & Cambodia and our Yards.
We board our bus and proceed to the Pleiku Hotel. I stayed here in “94” and what a change. Color TV, AC, two bars and a large restaurant. The food this time was great. Unbelievable. It’s November and there’s no sign of mosquitoes. People are wearing coats and I feel great in t-shirt and shorts. After check-in we visit Camp Enari & Hensel Airstrip at the foot of Dragon Mountain where the 4th Inf. Base was located. Only thing there is left is a concrete slab where the entrance of the camp was. The guys are happy their back and I can feel their happiness and sorrow.
We get back to the hotel early so a few of us decide to walk downtown. Everything I see has been torn down and rebuilt. The road is paved and widened. In “94” there was 60,000 here and now there is 250,000. I learn there is a huge relocation of people from the Delta and other areas from down south. They still plan to relocate 500,000 more up here from the Mekong. Instant Army in case of need. I’m now trying to find my friends restaurant and bar but I find only a vacated building. I say nothing to the others but I felt so empty inside all I wanted to do is go back to the hotel and drown myself in alcohol and cry. I now know why my letters were not answered lately. Tonight while I lie awake in bed I cannot get my mind off of what I have seen today. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. More sadness? At this time of the trip I am now thinking about retuning home.
Today we head for Kontum, which was nothing more than a Hamlet in 1966. I have not been here since the war and never beyond Kontum. My war experience was in An Khe, Plei Me, Ia Drang, Pleiku, Kontum, Bong Son and Happy Valley. So today will be all new to me. Kontum is now a large city of 50,000 or more. It has paved roads and modern conveniences. Everywhere you look there is Coffee and Tea Plantations. They still have the rice fields and personal gardens. TV antennas? Yes. We travel to Ben Het; the Special Forces had a camp here and we’re the first allowed this far up in the highlands. The airstrip is still there and there is not too much sign of people in this area. This is where Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia merge. They’re thinking of putting a golf course where they merge. Will we need three visas? If your in Cambodia and step back into Vietnam on the seventh hole will we have to go thru security again?
There’s no Villages just little shacks occupied with a family who works the coffee fields. These are Yards who have been re-educated; they don’t remember the war. The old people are just a memory to them. They have no idea where they’ve gone. They peek out the door wondering who are these strange people? We’re not aloud to stop and talk to them as we have Police with us but of course they deny they are Police. Just try to go somewhere your not allowed not to, and there on you like flies on shit.
We stop at Dak To Special Forces airstrip for a memorial and we find the airstrip covered with coffee beans drying. We find a spot where we make a wreath of flowers on the ground. Everyone lays a flower and we all say something special. For myself I say something for those missing and I’ve brought along a photo of Bob Tillquist who was killed in the Ia Drang. His Sister sent it along and we all signed it and I’ll make sure Bob is not left behind. Austin also does his Ute spiritual ceremony, which was very impressive.
The trip back to the Dakbla Hotel in Kontum everyone is quite. Later on that day we would visit the Kontum Orphanage. Butch has been coming here for the last few years and donates a large amount of money collected from vets back home. He is a hero to these children which he should be. You can see the love for them in his face. If you think you’re a hard ass than visit this place. We Americans have so much. I sometimes wonder if the third world countries are Hell. If so America is Heaven. I watched children in a group picking lice from their hair like monkeys. Some looked like they had the plague. Who are these children you ask? They are dark skinned minorities. These are Yards who have been abandoned or taken from love ones. At age 15 they’re sent to the streets.
We’re aloud to visit a so-called Yard Village next to the Orphanage. What this is; is just a re-education camp. They have no future. Their eyes are so sad. I gave them the cigars I brought with me and as they accepted their eyes were on the Police who stood behind me. They’re not allowed knives, bows or bracelets any longer. I believe they could feel my sorrow in my heart for them. They are the Aztecs and the Incas of years ago. I held back my tears but my heart was full of tears. As we left I took one last look back as I knew this was my last I would ever see of them. I wondered that night if the Police went into that Orphanage and took that money from the Sister’s who runs the Orphanage.
That night we sat in an outdoor restaurant and bar sitting on the river next to the hotel. A few have digital cameras, which they download on Butch’s laptop. There’s a lot of laughs and we down a few and watch Jose and Lynn get a little close to a couple locals if you know what I mean. Lynn he was 16 shame on you. All right Jose! You da man! I took a photo of Stephanie with her freezing (70 Degrees) and it looks like she is in the snow country.
In the morning we board our bus but before we do I ask the three so called escorts over and I ask them if they are Police and they just shrug their shoulders and smile. I tell them I know you can understand English and that I wish to present them with the knives I had brought over for the Yards. They were able to get us to Ben Het with a lot of effort on their part with the authorities and I was tired of carrying these monster knives. For the first time they smiled and shook hands with all. Maybe there is some good in all. Yes? We’re now heading toward Pleiku and guest what? Yes a dam tollbooth.
As we enter on highway 19 I know this road and country well. General Kinnard, Division Commander of the 1st Air Cav decided in January of 1966 (or was it in December?) for the whole division (Grunts) 3,000 of us to hump from the Kontum / Pleiku area back to the base camp at An Khe to show our strength. My Recon unit was in Kontum and hey it was a 60-mile hump back with short breaks only on the way. The Division had 12,000 REMFS back at camp and they were not included. What does that stand for you ask? Rear Echelon Mother Fuckers. Without them the Grunts would not been able to operate in the field. We all did our job and every job was important and I love and respect all of them.
As we travel along Hwy. 19 not much has changed. The bus will huff and puff up Mang Yang Pass and will stop on top for a break. In “94” the mountains were pretty much bald but this time they are covered with newly planted trees. This is one of Vietnams projects to replenish the damage due to “Agent Orange“. Australia and New Zealand are supplying the trees. We’ll stop in An Khe at the foot of Hong Kong Mt. (Han Kahn Mt.) and I can’t believe what I see. New homes, new High School. The kid’s uniforms are red, white & blue. In “94” we humped up to the foot of the mountain where there was concrete slabs left over from part of our base and rice paddies.
Now we’re going to downtown An Khe and have lunch. Yes this Hamlet of 1994 has a downtown with wide streets, movie theatre, gas station, restaurants and a hotel or two. It’s now a city of 30,000 people. The VN Army occupies the old Camp Radcliff of the 1st Cav on the other side of the mountain. We drop off one of our local guides who is a Chirad Montagnard. He’ll take a bus back to Pleiku. I won’t mention his name but I will tell you he was our guide in “94”. I had shown him in private; photos of “94” and he remembered. He would verify what I had heard and seen. I wished him well. We head out for Qui Nhon where the 67th & 85th Evacs were. We use to call this valley “Happy Valley” because we were always happy to get out of it alive. I notice new homes along the way. The rice paddies and the Water Buffalo can be seen as far as the naked eye can see. I take one more look behind towards An Khe and I realize it is my last. Did I say this in 1994?
We get into Qui Nhon at noon and good old Butch tells us we’re on our own. Hey Butch have you ever heard of the Cham ruins or maybe a drive by where the 67th & 85th was? How about a downtown tour? Chris takes a cab and gets ripped off by the driver. We decide to follow Jose around and of course he makes our day. We’re on the beach but it’s very cool here and the tail end of Ling Ling. Rain is off and on thru the day. The Vietnamese do not name their Typhoons they number them. This was number 8 of the season. They average 12 per season. In the morning we head south on Hwy. 1 for Nha Trang and this road needs big time repairs. You can see from a distance the new highway their building. Everywhere on the coast they are forcing the people to move away from the beach. The land is being sold to large developers. We notice there are many fish farms on the coast and this is good for all. The weather in Nha Trang is the same so we all do a little shopping and beach walking.
We take in a local show at the outdoor bar and lounge and they are very good. The first night the drinks were half as cheap as the second night but hey we taught them this didn’t we? Chris bought the fourth or fifth round and by then they were New York prices. I owe you a couple Chris. We fly back to Saigon and I cannot wait for our departure back to the “World”.
Some of us spend Thanksgiving at the Black Horse Saloon for dinner while the rest goes to a farewell dinner and will have a NVA/VC vet to talk with; about the war of course! Jose has a date tonight at the Black Horse Saloon upstairs away from us peons. She has a motorbike but when Jose gets on the back of it the tire goes flat. Way to go Jose. I can’t sleep tonight. I found a bottle of Snake Wine, which I buy for $7. Inside are a Cobra and a Bamboo Viper (One Step Charlie). I’ll have fun with this back home. My bags have been packed and re-packed since yesterday. My bag will split in the airport while it’s on the belt heading for loading. I thought everything of value would be gone but nothing was missing as the workers repaired it in the back and sent it on it’s way. Butch will stay behind for a couple days with Barton & Evelyn as they plan more touring. In the airport it’s hectic since our guide is not with us but we manage on our own.
This trip took a toll on me physically & mentally. Its now June 2002 and my health is back.
For Vietnam I will always have a large area in my heart for the men I served with and for those who gave some and for those who gave all and for the ones left behind by the trusted ones.
The lure back is no longer with me but I will always remember the children and their smiling faces, the beautiful highlands and the Yards. I will always wonder about the young Vietnamese / Cambodian from California who we met along the way who was trying to locate his parents. In Cambodia he found his mother and her family. Will he find his father? It seems like we’re all searching for something. The war will always be with me; it refuses to go away. The nightmares are fewer and finally my hatred is gone. Have I found my lost Soul? I don’t know. Only God knows. The Vietnam we knew during the war is gone. It’s a new country and you can see our influence everywhere. Everyone that returns will have his or her own reasons for returning. I have accomplished mine. Or have I?
No Human Earthling should die with Hatred in their heart. What a waste of life. I apologize if I have hurt any ones feelings I did not mention your name. This was written for my family to read after I’m gone.
Gary L. Baxman
November 2001